“Atheism” was redefined. Meet the new “theism.”

OXFORD, ENGLAND – The traditional definition of atheism was always “the claim or belief that no god or gods exist.” After years of intellectual spankings, the godless aristocracy – cross-armed and pouty-lipped – engaged in some linguistic slight-of-hand, insisting that the true definition of atheism is “the lack of a belief in a god or gods.” This seems to have been very effective.

Following suit, the super-secret cabal of theists that control the narrative of global religious discourse has recently unveiled the newest, super-sleek version of the term “theism.” What follows is the memo that was issued to the cabal’s various sleeper cells and distributed via clandestine backchannels:

To the faithful,

May the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, omnibenevolent, self-sufficient God bless you in your continued service to the work which is veiled from the eyes of the godless. It is our distinct pleasure to present to you yet another powerful tool…